First Successful Brain Transplant

Recently, scientists at the University of Southern North Dakota – Baltimore performed the first successful human brain transplant. Said the chief neurosurgeon, Dr. Cranial Head, MD, “This is a breakthrough of unprecedented magnitude. I’m ecstatic that all our research and hard work finally paid off. We couldn’t be more pleased with how things turned out.”

The patient, who only agreed to be called Jose Ivanovich O’Malley, III for anonymity reasons, suffered a massive anterior communicating arterial stroke that left him severely incapacitated. He was a veterinarian at a local clinic before his stroke. His family heard about the research Dr. Head’s team was doing with rats and contacted him about the possibility of being his first human subject. Dr. Head agreed immediately, “I saw this as the perfect opportunity to advance our research out of animals and into humans. We’ve had great success – recently – with brain transplants in rats so it was only logical to start human trials.”

“This new brain transplant surgery is quite remarkable,” said Dr. Head. “My colleague, Dr. Inis Wu, and I first came up with the idea 40 years ago while we were competing in a triathlon. It came out of the blue, really, neither of us are quite sure why we thought of it but here we are.”

What’s remarkable about the surgery is that it is done all under local anesthetic and the patient is kept talking throughout the procedure, except for the time when the brains are switched (during this time the patient is placed on life support). In this case, the transplanted brain came from a local high school physics teacher who suffered a sudden and unexpected heart attack. He was not only young but also in good health. His family has chosen to also remain anonymous. The transplanted brain is removed from the original body and cooled to halt neuronal death. The end of the severed spinal column is treated with a new nanoglue that automatically splices individual axons to the new spinal cord when the transplant brain is placed on top.

“It’s incredible,” said Dr. Head, “surprisingly we don’t have much work to do because with this new nanoglue the process of reconnecting nerve fibers is automatic. It only takes 4 minutes. We just inspect the brain and spinal cord to make sure everything is lined up correctly. The nanoglue is also applied to areas like the optic nerves, that need to be spliced into the new brain.”

After the surgery, Jose made a speedy recovery. Within 24 hours he was moving his limbs and within a week he was walking and talking. His wife said, “It’s a miracle. We thought that Jose was gone forever but Dr. Head saved him. He doesn’t know who any of us are, of course, and calls himself Stephen but we are all willing to work with the new Jose and learn to love him and hope he will learn to love us.” The medical team, however, remains baffled why Jose insists his name is Stephen. When asked if he planned on returning to work at his veterinary clinic, Jose stated that he couldn’t wait to return to teaching physics: “I’ve always had a love of physics. There’s something about gravity research that really attracts me.” Jose doesn’t remember any of his past self or his work as a veterinarian.

Disclaimer: this post is meant as not very clever satire. Surgeons cannot at the present time perform brain transplants, regardless of what you might have read online. The surgeon who claims that he can perform a head transplant will not be successful.

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24 thoughts on “First Successful Brain Transplant”

  1. This message is messed up. I am doing a project for a school and actually needed info and tougt this would help but obviously not.

  2. im bit confuse, when the brain transplant successfuly, are the memory remain to the new body? need ASAP reply

  3. This is the best information we have about brain transplants; namely, we cannot do them. My post was satirical.

  4. @kaley
    I know! I need info for school too… and I was extremely hopeful.. until I read it. For anyone who wants to know more. NOVA has an article on it.

  5. That Nova article (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/body/brain-transplants.html) is making guesses about what we might be able to do many years in the future. As an example, here is a quote from that Nova article by someone who is even willing to speculate about this: “As a scientist, you never say never, because you never know what will be within the realm of possibility several centuries from now.” As helpful brain transplants might be in some cases, if we can ever do it, we are many, many years away. That is even supposing it would be deemed ethical, which I doubt. Now what is more feasible and ethical is transplanting parts of the brain – a new hippocampus or some other part – to regain lost functions. A whole brain though? Not for a long time if ever.

  6. Sure this was false but dosent mean it’s impossible. What about the Russian scientist who kept a dogs head alive while detached from it’s body? It’s was awake and responsive too. He also did head transplants on monkies.

  7. this info sucks its really not gettin mii anywhere and i need info for a project mi and mii friend is doing on the brain the first transplant and the first doctor who performed the transplant this is fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Ahahahahaha!! I read all this open mouthed and didn’t even get it was a joke til the last paragraph – I was reading the stuff about nanoglue and just going what the HECK that could be so useful!! Whoever wrote this, classic!

  9. It’ll be a long time until we can do this, if ever. The real question is is it even ethical? Should we do it?

  10. I guess I should’ve realized this wasn’t a true story when I read the name, Dr. Crainial Head.. Funny..

  11. If you were to have a brain transplant and you switched into a different
    person’s body, the babies you have in the new body will not be “yours.”
    eg. brain of white man transplanted into indian man. Although you are
    white you will have indian babies as you are using the indian man’s
    body’s sperm.

    Also if a man was to have a brain transplant into
    the body of a female, this will be a complete sex change. So if you were
    a man in a female’s body and you start dating a female are you lesbian
    or straight and vice versa for the other gender??

  12. I was instantly scepticle but knew for sure it was made up with the super detailed name of the patient who wanted to remain anonymous lmao loved that. Somehow missed the name of the doctor… i guess cuz i work in HR at a hospital and know how odd the names of many doctors are!

  13. This is not a true story,cause 31st August,2016 I read an article on a newspaper daily that there were no successful Brain transplant happened in medical history.There were many animals brains transplants happened but all in vain.All those animals breathed their last after some times.

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